Eyeball Popping Fun: My Bloody Valentine 3D Opening Today

The latest horror remake/re-imagining hits theaters today as My Bloody Valentine 3D opens.

I was a little too young to appreciate the 2nd wave of 3D film. The first wave or "Golden Era" of 3D started in the 50's with the red and blue cardboard glasses passed out for such classics as the original House of Wax and 13 Ghosts.

The 2nd wave (as I'm calling it) of which I'm familiar ran from 1980-1984.
Because of the PG 3D films that came out, I was able to get in to the abysmal Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn 3D.
Seriously: it WAS abysmal. Even as a 12 year old kid I knew that this movie was utter crap. And I thought Megaforce was awesome... so... that's saying something.
But my appreciation for the R rated 3D masterpieces like Friday the 13th Part 3 in 3D, Jaws 3-D and Amityville 3D had to wait for the 80s VHS boom. And then, of course... they were only 2D.

My only true HORROR 3D theater experience was for Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare. And I gotta tell ya... just because Roseanne and Tom Arnold are in the 3D... doesn't mean the world wants to see it.
And didn't Freddy die with a stick of dynamite or something?
Blech.

So when I heard that they were remaking My Bloody Valentine in 3D, I was in.
IN!
Why?
A few reasons:

1) I had never seen the original.
That's a bit odd because as a guy who really soaked in the 80s slasher movies from the popular Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street series to obscure ones like The Mutilator and Bad Dreams... I can't believe I never saw it. I was a clean slate.
No expectations whatsoever... except that things should be "comin' at me."

2) An event movie in January.
Usually event movies are relegated to the summer. And as horror movies go, they're even fewer and far between.
What do I qualify as an "event" movie?
Something that you MUST see in the theater as it enhances the entertainment value. The last "event" horror movie was the Grindhouse experience. For those who missed it in the theater, you missed out on a landmark event. But you can hear me rave about that in THIS old post.
Even if this DVD comes in 3D with glasses, you just aren't going to have much fun watching it home by yourself. GO to the THEATER. And go on a popular night. Again: the 3pm Tuesday afternoon showing won't have the same audience reaction as the 8pm.

3) As someone who never got to see Friday the 13th Part 3 in ACTUAL 3D, I couldn't wait to see a horror film in three dimensions.
I want to see an eyeball pop at the screen!
I want to see a metal implement of death swung at me and me duck out of natural instinct!
I want those experiences! No matter how twisted they appear when typed out! Dammit!

So I went. I brought three friends with me, and I had a blast.

I won't give an in-depth review. You can get that on any horror site. I'll give you a spoiler free opinion encapsulated in very DVD-box quotable bites:
"A throwback gorefest that delivers on its promise of a "bloody valentine." It's a 3D thrill ride for the 80s horror fan!" There.
It's fun.
It should be viewed with a lot of people.
It's gory.
It's also VERY rooted in its 80s slasher roots.
Silent killer with a creepy mask? Check.
Bad acting? Check.
Gratuituous female nudity? Check.
Tom Atkins? Check.
Don't get me wrong: it's not a GOOD movie.
After the film was over, my friends and I were trying to make some sense of the plot and how the masked killer tied into the holiday of Valentine's Day. I gotta tell ya: we couldn't figure it out.
It is what it is.
It's a ride.
And I mean that literally.

Here's my advice to Lionsgate: license this film to Universal Studios so they can design the first Rated R, 3D ride attraction.
Think about it:
Everyone queues up through dark cave sets (much like the line for the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland).
Patrons get in a yellow mine car in groups of 6 to 8 people.
A live person in a soot-covered yellow jumpsuit and hard hat tells us that, because of the coal dust present in the mine, we need to put on our "protective eyewear" (i.e. 3D glasses) and keep it on at all times.
Then just take out all the plot points of the film and run what footage is left.
All the pick-axe throws.
All the blood spatters (accompanied by small water spits cleverly hidden in the walls).
Lone beams of helmet lights cutting through the darkness.
It makes itself!

I know the question you all REALLY want the answer to is: Did I get my eyeball popping fun that I missed from not seeing F13 3 in the theater? Without spoiling anything I will say this: I was NOT disappointed.